ZUMBA

Ok, so I'm one of those girls who gets inspired every summer to join the gym and get a kick ass body.
Summer comes and it's easier to throw on a kaftan then do lunges up and down stairs. So when winter approaches I trot into Lorna Jane, past the singlets and tights; straight onto the baggy tshirts and trackpants, promising myself that I'm gonna burn that fat right off and slide into a nice pair of Bettina Liano's.

Fat chance.
So when I get asked now if I go to gym I respond with 'I have a gym membership yeah'. Feel free to borrow that one if you find yourself reading along and going 'Is she talking about me?'.

Tonight, I took the petrifying plunge back into the world of health and wellbeing (donning my baggy lorna jane singlet), with my Burberry bag in tow.

So let's start with parking. The thought of gym is painful enough without having to do a 452 point turn to get a carpark. Walking in is mortifying, especially when your following some uber hot barbie doll, and then of course, you get greeted by some bitch face receptionist who's absolutely radiating judgement.

Now the gym I go to, you walk in, and if there is someone already at the front counter you have to stand right in front of the automatic door. Then to your right is the entire cardio area where people just stare at you, and in case it's not already awkward enough, you've got to swipe your barcode keyring in one of those machines like at the train station (you know the ones, where you have to swipe something then push the metal bar and it rotates?). Basically, if you need to enquire anything (or actually use the gym for that matter) your fucked. Of course, I lost my keyring. And of course, there was a queue. So I stood like a fool in the middle of the automatic doors with everyone staring at me and bitch face receptionist giving me the once over.

Finally make it through the turntable thing (by the way, really gym?! You think someone is gonna sprint through the doors past reception for a free workout? Unlikely. Lose the turny thing), and am faced with every piece of cardio equipment being taken, and a good 20 or so men lifting weights. All well and good if your not the kinda girl who trips on flat surfaces.

Make it up the stairs (already feeling the burn mind you), and at the very top of the stairs, are 30 women waiting to get their Zumba on. I found myself a little spot by the wall near the door (cause like hell was I gonna be the last one in the room and have to stand in the front row), and facebooked. Quite proud though, one woman was so overwhelmed-I heard her say to bitch face receptionist it was her first time at gym-that she ended up scurrying back down the stairs before the class started. Not promising for the rest of us.

The best way I can break down the annoyances of gym (and Zumba, sorry to say) is to list them for you.
Brace yourself, and sorry about the foul language.

1. My understanding of Zumba is that it's like a bit of a party, you get your dance on and a good time is had by all. That's what the TV ad with the chick who looks like Baby Spice wants you to think. That's a lie.
2. Your one step away from scratching out the eyes of other gymmers for the back row.
3. I don't care how comfortable you are with your body, WEAR A FREGAN BRA. And while we're on it, gstrings are not made to be seen.
4. If your in fact an experienced salsa dancer, or any kind of dancer for that matter, fuck off. I can barely figure out the forward-and-back step without you in front of me sashaying around like your Beyonce.
5. Don't talk to me, please. I don't need to know why your here.
6. Just because you have a microphone attached to your head, it doesn't make you Britney Spears. Let's keep the singing to a minimum.
7. When you ask for anyone who hasn't done the class before to come to the front, I will lie to you and say I have.
8. I can't speak for the rest of  the class, but if you scream 'PUSH IT HARDER' at me one more time, I will take my shoes off and throw them at you.
9. Don't ask 'How's everyone doingggggggggggggggggggggggggg?' 30 minutes into a class. I'm sweating, puffing, and hating you. It also sets me up for failure knowing there is 30 minutes to go.
10. Seriously, don't bother explaining to me what we are gonna do before we actually do it. I guarantee you I'm not even listening.
11. Think consciously about what you wear to gym. I have no qualms about taking stalker photos and writing nasty things. That applies to you, girl with the sweat marks on your bum. I saw them.

To sum up for you, I spent 40 minutes of the Zumba class just jumping on the spot because I couldn't figure out the steps, 20 minutes hating on everyone in the room, particularly Britney Spears with her mike on stage and Beyonce in front of me, and the entire hour confused about what the point of the class was. The music ranged from Brazilian to a ballad, from country and western to hip hop, all in one hour. I couldn't figure out where the hell I actually was.

And by the way, it's nothing like a nightclub. We all know we were in a gym with 2 of the 4 lights turned off.

So looking forward to Body Balance Wednesday.
Happy dancing! xx