Road Rage

So, I have road rage. I guess you could say I was born with it, I always had beef with my cousin when she would overtake me on our bikes without due notice. Needless to say, now that I'm driving around Goldie Hawn (I own a gold coloured car. Sue me) I'm a bit precious when I'm on the road.

Let's rant.

1. Cyclists: Look what's up with them? I see all the campaigns about YAY CYCLISTS SAVING THE EARTH and WATCH OUT FOR CYCLISTS, here's one: WATCH OUT FOR MY CAR. IT'S MORE EXPENSIVE THEN YOUR BIKE.
2. There are footpaths for a reason; walk on them, cycle on them, for all I care you can cartwheel down them, but if a footpath is provided-for God's sake use it.
3. Parking: It peeves us all, so let's try and make it as painless as possible. A few friendly tips-don't park diagonally, it pisses everyone off. Don't give me the finger because I indicated before you, and unless you are in fact parking a semi-trailer, don't take 10 minutes to nose in park.
4. Turning corners: Again, unless your driving a semi-trailer, there is no need to slow down to 12kms an hour.
5. Stop signs/Give way signs: Please take note of them. My poor friend Jill will ultimately suffer heart failure and die if people don't. As I said, parking is woeful enough without having to wonder whether you will be side swiped by a teeny bopper who ignored the signage.
6. Horns: We all have them, we don't ALL need to use them ALL the time. Valid reasons for using a horn: being cut in front off without warning, children running across the road in front of you, a dog hanging out on the highway. Three non valid reasons: someone indicating for a carpark before you, trying to get my attention away from my ipod when I'm at a red light, or for fun.
7. Indicating: Do it. Enough said.
8. Mobile phones: SPEAKER PHONE PEOPLE. PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD. It's not only annoying when you sit still at a green light because the douche in front of you is knattering away about some meaningless story, but it's dangerous. Hmph!
9. P platers: Perhaps be mindful little ones that you have 4 points for 3 years. Therefore, don't get the shits when your behind cars who are in fact doing the speed limit and overtake them like a bat outta hell, don't honk your annoying little horn when your sitting in peak hour traffic, and turn your bloody Bieber down.
10. Learners: We've all been there, we know it's terrifying to be on the road, so for God's sake learn to drive in a paddock or in the back streets first.
11. Merging: Just a refresher for those who get confused; you cannot merge onto the highway at 60kms an hour. You should let cars who are trying to merge, actually merge. If it is a slip lane, don't bloody park at the end and just wait; MERGE!
12. Senior Citizens: I know you've done your part for Australia. You picked strawberries and hoed paddocks and worked 15 hour days. That does not justify you doing 40 in a 60 zone, or make it okay for you to take 15 minutes to park your car.
13. Parents with prams: I get that you've got a kid and I'm sure it's hard to saddle them up and take them out, however you can put them in a pram and wheel them, therefore you in fact DON'T need the closest parks to Westfield Chermside. Same applies for parents who DON'T have kids with them and park there anyway. (I don't have or want kids and therefore cannot park closely to any shopping complex, however I'd like to think the fact I'm going to max out my credit card shopping trumps the woman taking her ferral kids to the shopping centre to utilise the free air con)


Do feel free to add on any of your road rage issues. Vent them out people, it's healthy. Feel free to share this to facebook or twitter or whatever it is you kids do (I figured out how to add the share button today).

Drive safe.
T xx

Hilarious number plate that I saw while stuck in peak hour traffic. Fuck my life indeed.

ZUMBA

Ok, so I'm one of those girls who gets inspired every summer to join the gym and get a kick ass body.
Summer comes and it's easier to throw on a kaftan then do lunges up and down stairs. So when winter approaches I trot into Lorna Jane, past the singlets and tights; straight onto the baggy tshirts and trackpants, promising myself that I'm gonna burn that fat right off and slide into a nice pair of Bettina Liano's.

Fat chance.
So when I get asked now if I go to gym I respond with 'I have a gym membership yeah'. Feel free to borrow that one if you find yourself reading along and going 'Is she talking about me?'.

Tonight, I took the petrifying plunge back into the world of health and wellbeing (donning my baggy lorna jane singlet), with my Burberry bag in tow.

So let's start with parking. The thought of gym is painful enough without having to do a 452 point turn to get a carpark. Walking in is mortifying, especially when your following some uber hot barbie doll, and then of course, you get greeted by some bitch face receptionist who's absolutely radiating judgement.

Now the gym I go to, you walk in, and if there is someone already at the front counter you have to stand right in front of the automatic door. Then to your right is the entire cardio area where people just stare at you, and in case it's not already awkward enough, you've got to swipe your barcode keyring in one of those machines like at the train station (you know the ones, where you have to swipe something then push the metal bar and it rotates?). Basically, if you need to enquire anything (or actually use the gym for that matter) your fucked. Of course, I lost my keyring. And of course, there was a queue. So I stood like a fool in the middle of the automatic doors with everyone staring at me and bitch face receptionist giving me the once over.

Finally make it through the turntable thing (by the way, really gym?! You think someone is gonna sprint through the doors past reception for a free workout? Unlikely. Lose the turny thing), and am faced with every piece of cardio equipment being taken, and a good 20 or so men lifting weights. All well and good if your not the kinda girl who trips on flat surfaces.

Make it up the stairs (already feeling the burn mind you), and at the very top of the stairs, are 30 women waiting to get their Zumba on. I found myself a little spot by the wall near the door (cause like hell was I gonna be the last one in the room and have to stand in the front row), and facebooked. Quite proud though, one woman was so overwhelmed-I heard her say to bitch face receptionist it was her first time at gym-that she ended up scurrying back down the stairs before the class started. Not promising for the rest of us.

The best way I can break down the annoyances of gym (and Zumba, sorry to say) is to list them for you.
Brace yourself, and sorry about the foul language.

1. My understanding of Zumba is that it's like a bit of a party, you get your dance on and a good time is had by all. That's what the TV ad with the chick who looks like Baby Spice wants you to think. That's a lie.
2. Your one step away from scratching out the eyes of other gymmers for the back row.
3. I don't care how comfortable you are with your body, WEAR A FREGAN BRA. And while we're on it, gstrings are not made to be seen.
4. If your in fact an experienced salsa dancer, or any kind of dancer for that matter, fuck off. I can barely figure out the forward-and-back step without you in front of me sashaying around like your Beyonce.
5. Don't talk to me, please. I don't need to know why your here.
6. Just because you have a microphone attached to your head, it doesn't make you Britney Spears. Let's keep the singing to a minimum.
7. When you ask for anyone who hasn't done the class before to come to the front, I will lie to you and say I have.
8. I can't speak for the rest of  the class, but if you scream 'PUSH IT HARDER' at me one more time, I will take my shoes off and throw them at you.
9. Don't ask 'How's everyone doingggggggggggggggggggggggggg?' 30 minutes into a class. I'm sweating, puffing, and hating you. It also sets me up for failure knowing there is 30 minutes to go.
10. Seriously, don't bother explaining to me what we are gonna do before we actually do it. I guarantee you I'm not even listening.
11. Think consciously about what you wear to gym. I have no qualms about taking stalker photos and writing nasty things. That applies to you, girl with the sweat marks on your bum. I saw them.

To sum up for you, I spent 40 minutes of the Zumba class just jumping on the spot because I couldn't figure out the steps, 20 minutes hating on everyone in the room, particularly Britney Spears with her mike on stage and Beyonce in front of me, and the entire hour confused about what the point of the class was. The music ranged from Brazilian to a ballad, from country and western to hip hop, all in one hour. I couldn't figure out where the hell I actually was.

And by the way, it's nothing like a nightclub. We all know we were in a gym with 2 of the 4 lights turned off.

So looking forward to Body Balance Wednesday.
Happy dancing! xx

Faux Pas Fiend

Firstly, it's been far too long since I've blogged. This time however it's through no fault of my own, in a bid to 'lower our household expenses' my dad turned off the internet. Yep. To be fair, he was 'switching over' to a 'cheaper alternative' which on the day of installation broke down and has been 3 weeks being fixed.

I'd like to say this is a new addiction that I've formed, but that would be a lie. We all have our bad habits (Right?), and it's a well known fact I adore fashion. However, just as much as I enjoy fashion, I enjoy seeing faux pas's and making a snide remark or two. Don't pretend you haven't done it. Cue pregnant teenage girl pushing stroller in her slippers through the shopping centre and we all know there is a little bit of judgement.

I however take it one step further, and get a bit snap happy with my iPhone, and for those of you who have seen my facebook, you will see my little array/epic collection of stalker photos. It's my true love. However since not all of you are on my facebook, I thought I'd be kind and put them up here. Just a warning though, my stalker pics are not limited to people. Anything I find funny or ironic generally gets a picture taken, half of them are blurred-it's part of the stalker concept. It's hard to be subtle with my brick of an iphone pointed at someone's body.

Please God don't let me get copped with a civil law suit for this. All pictures are taken with the intent of comic value and are not to discriminate, offend, or distribute. :)

Shit hey, bit inconvenient for anyone who had that on their list.

 

See that smirk? It's cause he knows how he looks. Sorry little brother. You asked for it.

                                                

Kids today are bloody lazy. There was one bag in this trolley. Disgraceful.

P.S. Where are your pants young lady?!

Look Mooloolaba, I adore you. But honest to God, I don't get why you have painted this mural on the middle of the esplanade sidewalk. I know it's for tourist pictures, but you have to ask everyone in the near vicinity to step off the wave to take it. Priceless face on the kid in the background by the way.

Kid that chair is not a hat. Fool.

So on location for a photoshoot the photographer's car wouldn't start. Two guys pulled over, and bantered away for a solid 20 minutes about what to do. Look if you don't know, don't stop to be a hero. Keep on driving and call RACQ as you go. Shame on you.

Oh did you forget to put your top on? This is not a gym. I don't care how comfortable you are with your body, there's just no need to traipse around shirtless in a food court.

This sign, was at the top of a caravan park. The caravan park is right next to the main road, if there was an emergency, would you seriously assemble at the top of the caravan park for roll call?

Ridiculous.

Primary school is bad enough without subjecting kids to this. Shame on you Sydney.

Visible bra straps. Fail.

Moving out of the shopping centre?

Or moving in?