I really like Lorna Jane clothing.
I dislike the fitting rooms and the super perky size 8 athletic model type sales assistant pestering me about what I need the Lorna Jane garments for.
It's not that I don't like working out. It's that I get bored easily. I get bored in gyms.
And I need a super tough personal trainer who won't buy my 'I have a cold' or 'I have an exam to study for' excuses.
I recently signed my gym membership over to my super sporty younger brother on the basis that 'I'm moving closer to the city'.
Woman on the phone at Genesis didn't buy that one though (although it is actually true) and consequently suggested I transfer my membership to the gym that is closer to the city. No deal love. There's just no point.
However post fashion week and pre summer I'm feeling a little bit like I need to get my ass into gear, thus leading to my horrific first workout of Spring.
So on go the joggers and Lorna Jane workout gear (admittedly a little more snug then usual) and I sprint out the door.
That was my first mistake.
Note to self: When one hasn't run in 6 months, one must not sprint anywhere prior to stretching/walking/valium.
As I'm new to my neighbourhood I went on a whim and ran down my street and to the right. Arms pumping, feeling fantastic about myself and knowing that I've already burnt off the pre-run lollies. That feeling lasted to the end of the street, for as I turned right there was a slight incline.
In all my glory I thought 'Yeah bring it on, I can handle it'.
Turns out I could, it was the 60 degree incline heading down the hill on the other side I struggled with because naturally, everyone in Australia happened to be hanging out on the sides of Narthanya St, watching the world / me go by.
I have this weird thing when I run, in that I only run if people can see me, and even then it's mortifying as I tend to run like a spastic fairy on crack.
So as everyone watches me run down the hill ( at a bloody fast pace might I add ) I finally reach the bottom.
Do a few stretches, acting like I'm a pro, preparing to walk back up the mother of all hills, when I turn and see all of Australia, still watching. Deep breath in and I proceeded to "run" back up the beast, and finally what felt like 4 years later I made it to the top, and consequently threw up.
You are welcome Narthanya St.
Here's my thoughts on running/jogging/people who go walking:
1. Stay left, unless overtaking.
2. Don't huff and puff like a hillbilly train unneccessarily. I mean really, shhh.
3. Just because lycra is designed to be fitted, doesn't mean you should go down a size. I see far too many asses eating bike pants and it's just not pretty.
4. I know I rave a lot about how one looks for various events and what is appropriate/ super inappropriate, so I feel I should indulge this little known fact: I workout with no make up on and my hair in a bun. There, it's out there in the world now. If however, you find yourself taking longer to get ready for a run then for a cocktail party, stay home and have a drink. Because when you walk so as not to sweat and ruin your make up, you annoy everyone. Particularly me.
5. Don't leer at me from your car, hero, especially if it's some 'super tough macho man' car with a ridiculous bass and music no one can understand, because I will vomit in front of you, and it won't be pretty, and you can think about that when you go home alone tonight instead of the potentially nice conversation we could have had if you hadn't yelled 'NICE ASS RUN THIS WAY' at me and laughed with your deadhead mates.
6. If you are one of those annoying couples who can't bear to be apart, perhaps running on a single lane footpath is not the place for you, for you see if I'm running in your direction, I don't care to then run off the footpath and around you while you hold hands or share an ipod. Fools.
7. There is absolutely no need whatsoever to belt out whatever the F your listening to on your ipod as you run. Particularly if it's Justin Bieber or High School Musical, teeny bopper.
8. If you are a mad keen runner, get on a treadmill. Don't make a fool of yourself by running to the lights, pressing the button, and jogging on the spot until the little man goes green for you to cross. If you could only see yourself.
9. Sweat bands are unneccessary unless you actually intend to break a sweat.
10. Shoelaces are a bitch, your right, and I'm all for your safety. If you have a blowout though and need to stop and retie your laces, perhaps you could get off the footpath so as not to inconvenience everyone who has to run around you while your chillin in the middle of the lane.
:)
